Let me share a scene I’ve witnessed countless times in my practice:
A father discovers his 15-year-old daughter posted something questionable on social media. He confronts her. He has facts, screenshots, logic. He’s absolutely, undeniably right. The conversation escalates. His daughter storms off. He wins the argument.
He also loses something far more valuable: his daughter’s trust.
The Dangerous Myth of Parental Rightness
We’ve been sold a bill of goods as parents. We’ve been told that our job is to be right, to have the answers, to correct our teens when they’re wrong. And yes, guidance matters. Boundaries matter.
But here’s what I’ve learned: when being right becomes more important than maintaining connection, we sacrifice the very relationship that gives us influence in our teen’s life.
Control vs. Safety: Understanding the Difference
Think about the last conflict with your teen. Were you trying to:
- Control the outcome? (Make them see it your way, admit you’re right, comply immediately)
- Create safety for dialogue? (Understand their perspective, express your concerns without demands, maintain connection even in disagreement)
Control says: “I’m the parent, and you’ll do what I say because I know better.”
Safety says: “I’m your parent, and even when we disagree, this relationship is secure. Let’s figure this out together.”
The difference isn’t semantic. It’s everything.
What Control Actually Achieves
When we parent from control, we might get:
- Compliance (temporarily)
- Silence (which we mistake for peace)
- Underground behavior (what we can’t see, we can’t influence)
What we lose:
- Our teen’s willingness to come to us with real problems
- Opportunities to teach critical thinking and decision-making
- The deep trust that makes hard conversations possible
The Paradox of Safety
Here’s the beautiful paradox I’ve observed over decades: when we release our grip on being right and controlling outcomes, we actually gain more influence. When teens feel psychologically safe, they:
- Consider our perspectives more readily
- Come to us before making risky choices
- Learn to think critically rather than just comply or rebel
- Develop their own moral compass that aligns with our values
A Real Example
Bose, a mother I worked with, caught her 16-year-old son with marijuana. Her instinct was to unleash fury, grounding, lectures, immediate consequences. She had every right to be angry. She was absolutely right that this was unacceptable.
But we worked on a different approach. She told him: “I’m concerned and we need to talk about this seriously. But first, I want to understand what’s going on with you. Help me understand.”
The conversation that followed revealed his anxiety about college applications and social pressures. The marijuana wasn’t about rebellion, it was about coping. By choosing understanding over being right, Sarah got to the real issue. Together, they addressed both the substance use and the underlying anxiety.
If she had led with control and righteousness? He’d have shut down, and the anxiety would have continued to fester, probably driving more risky behavior underground.
Your Invitation This Week
In your next conflict with your teen, before you launch into why you’re right, pause and ask yourself:
“What’s more important right now: winning this argument or maintaining this relationship?”
Because I promise you: the teens who thrive are the ones who feel safe enough to be honest, to struggle openly, to bring their problems home rather than hide them.
And that safety? It begins with us being willing to be wrong sometimes. Or at least, willing to prioritize connection over correction.
Next week, we’ll explore what authentic connection actually looks like (hint: it’s not what most parents think).