The Relationship You’re Building Now Will Last Forever (Choose Wisely)
It was the phone call I’ll never forget.
Margaret called me, sobbing. Her 25-year-old son just announced he was getting married—and she wasn’t invited to the wedding.
“We haven’t spoken in three years,” she said. “I thought when he grew up, he’d understand that everything I did was because I loved him. I thought he’d come back.”
He didn’t.
As I sat with Margaret, processing the devastating consequence of years of controlling, critical parenting, I thought about all the parents currently in the thick of adolescence with their teens.
The parents who are so focused on getting their teen into the right college that they’ve sacrificed the relationship.
The parents who are so determined to be “right” that they’re losing connection with every argument.
The parents who think discipline and control now will result in a grateful, close adult child later.
To all of you, I want to say this as clearly as I can:
The way you’re parenting your teenager right now is creating the relationship you’ll have with your adult child. Choose wisely.
The Long View of Parenting
When our kids are young, parenting feels permanent. When they’re teens, it feels urgent. We’re so focused on getting through the day, the conflict, the crisis, that we lose sight of the long game.
But here’s the truth:
You’re not just raising a teenager. You’re cultivating a relationship with the adult they’ll become.
The way you navigate these years—this complex, challenging, intense period of adolescence—determines whether your 30-year-old:
- Calls you first with good news
- Wants you involved in their life
- Brings their partner and children around
- Seeks your advice and perspective
- Enjoys spending time with you
- Feels emotionally safe with you
Or whether they:
- Maintain distance
- Share only surface-level information
- Visit out of obligation, not desire
- Find reasons to cut visits short
- Don’t involve you in major life decisions
- Have unresolved resentment
The relationship you have with your adult child is largely determined by the relationship you’re building now.
What Adult Children Say About Their Parents
I work with adult children too. Here’s what I hear from 25-40 year olds about their parents:
From those who maintain close relationships:
“My parents weren’t perfect, but they always made me feel loved even when they were disappointed in my choices.”
“I could tell them hard things without fear of rejection or explosion.”
“They saw me as a whole person, not just a report card or a reflection of them.”
“Even when we disagreed, I knew the relationship was safe.”
“They apologized when they messed up. That taught me so much.”
“Home was a place I could be my full self.”
From those who are estranged or distant:
“Everything was about control. My feelings didn’t matter, just compliance.”
“I was never good enough. Still aren’t, actually.”
“They couldn’t handle any version of me that didn’t fit their expectations.”
“When I came out / changed careers / married ‘wrong’ person, they made it about them and rejected me.”
“They made every mistake a moral failing. I learned to hide everything.”
“I feel like they love an idea of me, not the real me.”
“They’ve never apologized for anything. Ever.”
The pattern is clear: Adults maintain closeness with parents who created safety, acceptance, and authentic connection. They distance from parents who prioritized control, image, perfection, and being right.
The Teenage Years: A Unique Window
Adolescence is a crucible. The teen brain is literally restructuring. Identity is forming. Autonomy is developing. Emotions are intense.
It’s also when the foundation of your lifelong relationship is set.
How you navigate this period teaches your teen:
- Whether relationships can survive conflict
- Whether love is conditional or unconditional
- Whether vulnerability is safe or shameful
- Whether they can be authentically themselves or must perform for acceptance
- Whether mistakes are learning opportunities or evidence of unworthiness
- Whether you see them as a person or a project
These lessons will shape not only your relationship with them, but every relationship they have for the rest of their life.
That’s the stakes we’re talking about.
Parenting for the Long Game: What Matters Most
If you want a close, authentic relationship with your adult child, here’s what matters during their teen years:
1. Prioritize Relationship Over Outcomes
Your teen’s college acceptance, athletic achievement, or perfect behavior might feel crucial right now. But at your deathbed, what will matter more: their resume or your relationship?
Ask yourself: “In this moment, am I prioritizing the outcome I want or the relationship?”
When those conflict, choose relationship. Almost always.
2. Create Unconditional Acceptance (With Conditional Approval)
Unconditional acceptance: “I love you and you belong here, no matter what. Nothing you do can make me stop loving you.”
Conditional approval: “I don’t approve of that choice, and there are consequences. But my love isn’t in question.”
Teens can handle conditional approval when acceptance is secure. They can’t handle conditional acceptance.
3. Be Willing to Be Wrong
Parents who can’t apologize, who can’t admit mistakes, who always need to be right—these parents lose their teens’ respect and eventually their presence.
Model humility: “I was wrong. I’m sorry. I’ll do better.”
This doesn’t undermine your authority. It models emotional maturity and makes you someone safe to be vulnerable with.
4. See Them, Not Your Projection
Many parents love an idea of their child, not the actual child. They’re so attached to who they want their teen to be that they can’t see who their teen actually is.
Get curious: Who is this person, really? What do they value? What lights them up? What are they struggling with?
Love the person in front of you, not the person you imagined you’d have.
5. Make Repair a Practice
You will mess up. You’ll say things you regret. You’ll parent from stress instead of values. You’ll overreact.
What matters is repair:
“I snapped at you yesterday. That wasn’t okay. You deserved better. I’m sorry.”
“I realize I’ve been more focused on your grades than on you. I’m sorry. I want to know what’s actually going on in your life.”
Repair heals. Defensiveness destroys.
6. Release Control, Build Influence
Control works (sometimes) when kids are young. It fails with teens and destroys relationships with adults.
Replace control with influence:
- Respect their autonomy
- Offer perspective without demands
- Collaborate on solutions
- Trust the foundation you’ve built
Influence lasts. Control erodes.
7. Keep Showing Up
Even when they push you away. Even when they’re difficult. Even when you’re tired.
Keep showing up with curiosity, compassion, and commitment to connection.
Consistent presence builds lifelong trust.
The Hard Questions
Ask yourself these questions honestly:
1. “If my parenting creates a relationship where my adult child wants minimal contact with me, what choices am I making now that would lead to that?”
Be honest. Are you:
- Criticizing more than affirming?
- Controlling instead of guiding?
- Making everything about performance?
- Unable to apologize or be wrong?
- Making love feel conditional?
2. “What do I want our relationship to look like when they’re 30?”
Describe it. Then ask: “Are my current parenting practices moving toward that vision or away from it?”
3. “Would I want to be in a relationship with someone who treats me the way I’m treating my teen?”
If your answer is no, something needs to change.
4. “Twenty years from now, what will I wish I had done more of? Less of?”
More presence? More listening? More acceptance? More fun? Less criticism? Less control? Less focus on achievement?
Do those things now.
Margaret’s Story: The Warning
Remember Margaret, whose son didn’t invite her to his wedding?
She was a devoted mother. She sacrificed enormously. She wanted the best for him.
But “the best” meant perfection. High achievement. No missteps. When he deviated from her vision, she responded with criticism, control, and conditional love.
By 18, he couldn’t wait to leave. By 22, he’d minimized contact. By 25, he’d created a life that didn’t include her.
“I just wanted him to have a good life,” she told me through tears.
“But you lost him trying to engineer it,” I said gently.
She prioritized outcomes over relationship. And she lost both.
The Hope: It’s Not Too Late
If you’re reading this and realizing you’ve been prioritizing the wrong things, there is hope.
As long as you’re willing to:
- Acknowledge: “I’ve been so focused on [grades/behavior/achievement] that I’ve lost sight of our relationship. I’m sorry.”
- Change: Start implementing the practices from this series. Authentic connection, safety over control, listening, collaborative boundaries, presence.
- Persist: One conversation won’t undo years of patterns. But consistent, genuine effort over time can rebuild trust.
- Get help: If the relationship is significantly damaged, family therapy with a skilled therapist can facilitate repair.
Many parents have turned things around. It requires humility, effort, and time. But it’s possible.
The Invitation
These 12 weeks, we’ve covered:
- The crisis of disconnection and what’s at stake
- Prioritizing connection over being right
- What authentic connection actually looks like
- Frameworks for difficult conversations
- The transformative power of deep listening
- Setting boundaries without damaging connection
- Prevention over reaction
- Resetting family culture
- Supporting teens through real struggles
- Navigating technology wisely
- Building resilience together
- And now: the long game
These aren’t just parenting techniques. They’re a blueprint for relationships that last a lifetime.
My Challenge to You
Look at your teen. Really see them.
Ask yourself: “What do I want our relationship to look like when they’re 30? 40? When they’re caring for me at the end of my life?”
Then ask: “Is the way I’m parenting now building toward that or away from it?”
If the answer is uncomfortable, you have the power to change course. Starting today.
Because here’s what I want for you:
I want you to be the parent your 35-year-old calls first with good news.
I want you to be the grandparent who has close, warm relationships with grandchildren because their parents actually want you involved.
I want you to be the person your adult child turns to in crisis because you’ve proven over decades that you’re safe and steady.
I want you to have Saturday morning coffee dates with your grown child who genuinely enjoys your company.
I want you to be invited to the wedding. To be welcomed at holidays. To be missed when you’re not there.
That future is built right now, in how you navigate these teenage years.
The choices you make today echo into decades.
So choose connection. Choose authenticity. Choose humility. Choose presence. Choose relationship.
Choose love that’s bigger than your need to be right, to be in control, to have perfect kids.
Because when you’re old, and you look back on your life, what you’ll treasure isn’t their achievements or your authority.
What you’ll treasure is the relationship. The love. The moments of true connection.
Build that now.
Your future self—and your adult child—will thank you.